You know that feeling. The one where you lay awake staring at the fan as it spins and wonder why everything is taking so long. Whether it is just waiting for the light to turn green, the dryer to finish its job, the gas to fill my Jeep, the accident blocking my school route after I left ten minutes late due to the dryer taking forever and the gas pumping slow, waiting for class to get out, waiting for Will to finish school/work, speeding to get home, cramming homework so I can do other things like tap my foot waiting for my dog to get one more bathroom break for the night, before I go to sleep to late to be well rested in the morning only to rush out late for school.something is always making me use those familiar terms like, "UGH. Come ON! God, this person is slow. Hurry! etc."
I've never understood what makes me this way or why sometimes I move sluggishly and have all the time in the world then suddenly jump to warp speed. It just happens. Recently the rough thing has been waiting to finish the semester, get a full time job, and help Will get his Secondary Education degree. I think I'm so anxiety-stricken because somewhere between graduating high-school and joining the adult world I have forgotten how to delight in the little things. You know, I thought once you hit this grown-up period things you always wanted became easier and started happening on their own. Like, can't I design my home to hold only IKEA items, spiffy light fixtures, solid looking counter tops, metal centerpiece bowls made of flower cutouts and look savvy and sleek and modern? Can't I do that now?
A Picture out of Better Homes and Garden's Magazine...
(Little Shop of Horrors: Somewhere That's Green lyric's)
There are a few things I have always wanted in life. I have always wanted an amazing spouse (first and foremost). I've wanted to sit and write my own books then publish it. I've got the novel series (All 1200 pages, Times New Roman, 12 point font, 1.5 spacing) I'm just missing the publisher. But more than anything else I have wanted to have my own little kids racing around, laughing, causing devious messes, and utterly wearing me out. A few of the other things changed from time to time. I didn't always want the man I married as my husband, until I found him and knew. I didn't always want to write and publish and be a stay-at-home-mom-couch-novelist (Yes, that is a profession.) but I have always wanted a little guy or gal of my own. I've wanted selfishly, greedily, any way I could get a kid as soon as possible was good enough for me. It's a good thing I married a logical guy. Often times baby dialogue goes as such:
Me: Will, let's have a baby!
Will: Ok! How are we going to afford Dr. visits and hospital bills?
Me: We'll budget. We'll actually budget this time!
Will: Who's going to care for it while we work and educate ourselves?
Me: We'll hire a Nanny until it can go to daycare.
Will: I know you hate the idea of someone else raising our kid for us but lets skip that issue for now. How are we going to earn enough money with one of us still in college to keep the three of us healthy and thriving?
Me: We'll work really hard!
Will: Baby, I was to be financially stable, like with one us having a degree and working in the field before bringing a child into the world and learning how to take care of them while we learn about our new careers. Let's wait until that happens, alright? We'll have a kid as soon as we can, promise.
Will: *turns back on iTunes and returns to homework or video games*
That's about how they go. Usually my mind is thinking over all these facts.
"Well, if I work full-time and do that for a year and a half then Will can finish school become a teacher after student teaching then I can go back to school and finish my degree do some student teaching become a high school teacher maybe have a kid sometime in that time and then I can implode-and-self-destruct!"
This has always been an issue. I have always wanted the next thing to come along before it's time and I've spent hours waiting for the next big thing to happen. In doing so I've overlooked the little things. I've calmed down a lot and now have a friendly system to pull me back down from the clouds and illusions of grandeur. For that I can thank Billy Joel and his innate ability to sing what needs to be said.
"Slow down, you're doing fine. You can't be everything you wanna be before your time. Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight. Too bad but it's the life you lead, you're so ahead of yourself you forgot what you need. Though you can see where you're wrong you can always see when you're right. You got your passion. you got your pride but don't you know that only fools are satisfied. Dream on but don't imagine they'll all come true. When will you realize Vienna waits for you? Slow down you crazy child, take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while. You can afford to loose a day or two. When will you realize Vienna waits for you? You know when the truth is told you can get what you want or you can just get old. You're gonna kick off before you even get half-way through. When will you realize Vienna waits for you..."
Take it Slowly. Don't rush it. Time goes by Faster than you think...
When I start "talking crazy" or getting ahead of myself Will shrugs or touches my shoulder and says, "Vienna waits for you" and I'm immediately reminded that he is right. My time will come and I need to chill, relax, disappear for a while, and realize Vienna does wait. I've been working on being more patient and not getting restless as all but three of my friends, mostly unmarried, say those two painful words, "I'm pregnant!" and I faked (but now genuinely) congratulate them. They will have it rough, most of them, and I can wait. I can wait a few years if it means filling an IKEA wardrobe with corduroy jeans, suspenders, shiny shoes, teddy bears, hats and buckles and belts for my little one when they show up.
IKEA is the superior baby decorating master.
I got married young, matured fast, and wanted all the grown up things instantly. I'm very VERY sick of people saying things like, "But you're so young! You should wait to have kids." (No, I should do what works best for me and you should do what works best for you and not recommend what you think is best for me onto my soul. Thanks, but no thanks.) These past few weeks I have just enjoyed being a young person. Right now I am singing along to Taylor Swift's Mine, admiring all my office decorations, hanging out alone with my Labrador, Tofu, and my Bearded Dragon, Kafka, while Will hangs out with his friends at some party. I'm waiting for the neon nail polish to dry on my toes while I sip a cold beer and dream about how different things will be a few years once I'm tired and continue my passion for prose while my baby sleeps on. For this instant I'm not waiting for life to begin but enjoying what I have been avoiding while reaching for "Vienna".
Tomorrow I might wake up dissatisfied with my college-student-barely-making-a-living lifestyle but then I will hum my little melody and be alright again. For now, Vienna waits.